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Be a good listener
Some of us are born natural observers, while others jump in to the centre of conversations. But listening is an important skill for making others feel valued and developing genuine friendships. And it’s an important spiritual tool too.
Listening is a skill that can be learned, and learned well. When journalists study for their qualifications, a whole part of the curriculum is dedicated to the skill of active listening. Without truly listening, you cannot understand people’s stories. Active listening requires full concentration, being aware of key points in the person’s story that are significant. Any journalist will tell you that a day of active listening takes the same level of concentration as doing back-to-back exams.
Active listening requires your participation; it’s not just about nodding your head at the right time (we’ve all done it!). It means picking up on key points and asking questions for more information, so that the person understands they are valued and that you care about what they are saying.
Have you noticed that when you meet someone at a social gathering and they ask you lots of questions and seem interested in what you have to say, you often come away feeling valued and affirmed? You probably also feel like you’ve met a lovely person. That’s because you’ve met someone with great listening skills.
Essentially, an active listener encourages others to keep talking. We do this through our questions, body language, non-verbal sounds, and sometimes silences that leave space in the conversation. We can also reflect back to the talker what we have heard, which encourages more feedback.
‘Another way we indicate our engagement with the thoughts and feelings of others is through empathy … the degree of empathy we are feeling influences our ability to use skills that keep people talking, as well as reflecting skills,’ says Lynne M. Baab, in her book The Power of Listening.
Lynne says empathy is probably the hardest listening skill to learn to because it requires character. The Bible has some encouragement for us here. Colossians 3:12 says, ‘Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.’
‘This “clothing”, which reflects the character of God as revealed in Jesus, becomes easier to put on as we grow in character and faith,’ says Lynne.
Reflect on a recent conversation: What did you do to encourage the other person to talk? Did you ask questions about them? Did you listen for significant points they were making, and respond? Did you engage your emotions at an empathetic level?
What might you have done to discourage their input: Did you focus the conversation on yourself, rather than asking questions of them? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being talkative, and it can be a delightful attribute, but becoming aware of a good balance between listening and talking will help build more meaningful friendships.
Lynne—a self-confessed talker who laughs that a school report once said she ‘talks more than enough for one’—puts it this way: ‘All listening skills require a baseline commitment to stop talking ourselves. We simply cannot listen if we are talking.’
(c) 'War Cry' magazine, 1 November 2014, pp10.
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