After a sudden death
In the early stages of grief after a sudden death, people may fear that they cannot hold things together anymore. Some wonder if they can survive, or if they want to. They may respond by absolute withdrawal or extreme anger. The important thing to remain aware of is that these responses to sudden death are normal responses, what is not normal is what has happened.
Questioning is common after a sudden death. This is because our basic assumptions about an ‘understandable world’ have been disrupted. At some level, there’s a sense that if we can answer questions like ‘Why?’, ‘How could this have happened?’, and ‘What if …?’ then the person we loved might still be with us.
After a sudden death, many people report feeling alienated from those around them. There is a sense of ‘I’m in here and they’re out there, and no one understands!’
Experiences that may last hours or days (a few, some, or most of these may be experienced):
- feeling dazed or stunned
- feeling physically ill, vomiting
- tremors
- emotional numbness
- crying
- questioning
- intense anger
- depression, mood swings
- memory loss
- lack of concentration
- lack of confidence
- impaired judgement
Experiences that may last weeks or months (a few, some, or most of these may be experienced):
- overwhelming strong feelings
- fear of recurrence of whatever caused our loved one’s death
- anger
- sleep disturbances
- restlessness and irritability
- feeling guilty
- depression, mood swings
- anxiety for the future
- loss of initiative
- flashbacks
- nightmares
- social withdrawal: isolation from family, workmates, friends
- lack of concentration
- sexual difficulties
- difficulties with family and friends
- problems at work (eg, trouble with routine tasks)
Eventually (this may take many months)
- accepting that fear, anxiety and other feelings are normal
- stop blaming self
- gaining insight
- putting incident in context and understanding it better
- lessening of emotional reactions
- rebuilding confidence
- making adjustments
If you’re coping with extreme trauma of any kind, here are some strategies that can help:
- structure your life as much as possible
- don’t make any major life decisions (where possible)
- talk about your feelings
- limit the use of alcohol and drugs (including sleeping pills)
- give yourself permission to feel miserable
- do nice things for yourself
- eat regularly and nutritionally
- increase your physical exercise
- keeping a journal may help
Many people need help and time to come to terms with their loss, but the level of help required and the time in which that help is most needed varies from individual to individual.
Always remember that it’s entirely appropriate to be deeply affected and troubled by what has happened—you are reacting normally to an abnormal situation.
Adapted for web from War Cry magazine