How to break Up

There is no one way to get over a relationship breakup, but you can navigate it so that breakup doesn’t break you.

In that canon of wisdom Dawson’s Creek, the grandmother says, ‘When we love someone, we give them the power to destroy us.’ We are made for love. So when that love is taken away, it may feel as if it will destroy us—but only if we give it that power.

We think of a breakup as that moment when we end a relationship. But in reality, there is the moment of breaking up … and then there is the much longer, painful process of letting go.

You adapt to the loss of a partner in two ways. There is the ‘restoration function’—where you do all the practical things necessary to rebuild your life. You change your hair, eat foods they didn’t like, make new plans.

Then there is the more difficult ‘loss function’—dealing with the necessary emotional adjustments. In this, the cliché ‘you complete me’ is true, according to psychologist Dr Susan Krauss Whitbourne. ‘This person was once a part of your own identity. Your ex’s view of you was vitally important to your own self-definition. You saw yourself as he or she did,’ she explains. ‘Your ex also most likely affected your life in thousands of less profound ways.’ Such as what you bought in your groceries, how you wore your hair, and so on.

A healthy person will usually go back and forth between the ‘restoration’ and ‘loss’ functions—which is why you’ll feel free and fantastic one minute, and in a pit of despair the next.

You know it was the right decision to break up … No, it was the biggest mistake of your life.

These are all normal adjustments. There’s no one right way to do this, so don’t compare yourself to any timeframe or to others—especially your ex! 

Yes, you will feel incomplete for a while … which is why it is so helpful to make new plans, new friends, and start to rebuild your emotional identity.

Do

• Talk about it: Find a couple of trusted friends who will give you the freedom to talk about it as much as you need to.
• Make a plan: Make plans, like an overseas trip. It will will give you something positive to concentrate on.
• Grieve in your own way: It may take you a month or a year, but don’t feel pressured to get over it. Processing your grief properly will allow you to learn, and truly move on.

Don't

• Push your feelings down: Trying to ignore your grief will lead to mistakes, such as a rebound relationship —which only ends up hurting you more.
• Stalk them: Okay, you will probably do a bit of Facebook stalking, but try to let go of knowing everything that is going on in their life.
• Compare: It’s painful if your ex finds a new partner before you … but this doesn’t mean they’re over it. Try not to compare.

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by Ingrid Barratt(c) 'War Cry' magazine,15 October 2016, pp 10.
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