Three boys are boasting about their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $100.’ The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $1000.’ The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon … and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’
A man on a nature walk was chased by a bear. He climbed a tree only to slip down into the bear’s arms. He prayed, ‘Lord, let this be a Christian bear.’ The bear said, ‘Lord, thank you for this food.’
A preacher got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is: we have enough money to pay for our new building programme. The bad news is: it’s still out there in your pockets.’
There are bad sermons and short sermons. But there are no bad short sermons.
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter the Lord’s Prayer. Every bedtime, the girl repeated it after her mum. One night, the little girl said she was ready to go solo and carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end. ‘Lead us not into temptation … but deliver us from email. Amen.’
Our church has started a Support Group for Middle-aged Men Experiencing Hair Loss. They close every meeting with the benediction, ‘Go, and thin no more!’
A man was walking on a Wellington beach, deep in prayer. God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, he would be granted one wish. The man said he wanted a bridge to the South Island so he could drive there. God said his materialistic wish was too difficult and would consume too many natural resources. Could he think of another wish? The man then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wanted, and why she gave him the silent treatment when she said nothing was wrong. God replied, ‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?’