Torn between two lovers…

‘Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool.
Loving both of you is breaking all the rules’*

How the words of that song echo since the day I became a Christian at 8:45 pm on 12 September 1982. Neither my husband nor I went to church—and suddenly I had come to faith in Jesus. I had felt compelled to go to church that night and there I found what I had been searching for: the glorious end to a long and painful search. Jesus was the fulfilment of all my longings, and the beginning of my transformation … but that is another long story.

It soon became apparent that here was something that my husband and best friend of 12 years did not understand, and at times didn’t even want to know or hear about. I would even say there was jealousy. It was very painful not being able to share such intimate spiritual experiences with my husband; indeed, that song still moves me deeply.

‘There’s been another man that I’ve needed and I’ve loved
But that doesn’t mean I love you less …’

The joy of my salvation carried me through frustration, hurt, anger and loneliness. I felt frustrated at not being able to convince my man that if only he would surrender to God things could be different. And yes, in my immature Christianity, I felt hurt and angry at his inability to understand me. It created a unique kind of loneliness I had not known before. In Matthew 28:20, Jesus promises to be with me always, but I longed for my life partner to share the joy and freedom I had found in Christ. This desire drove me to my knees and deeper into the Word of God.

Where do I fit?

I found a good church to belong to (my local Baptist church), but I soon discovered that I did not ‘fit’ any particular group. Not the singles, nor the divorce recovery group, nor the married couples groups. Where did I fit? Did anyone understand my longings and my loneliness in the midst of having everything my heart desired in God? 

My husband, a wonderful man and great father to our two children, was supportive, loving and encouraging me in all I undertook as I served God in my local community. However, attempts to discuss my feelings with him were futile, as he so rightly pointed out, ‘I am still the same; you are the one who has changed.’ How could I deal with all those feelings? I was torn between two lovers indeed.

‘There are times when a woman has to say what’s on her mind. Even though she knows how much it’s going to hurt.’

I believed that on our wedding day we had become one flesh; something confirmed from God’s Word in Ephesians 5:31. Yet I felt as if we had lost some of that oneness. A wall had come between us, a spiritual divide that I could not change and that no one but God could break down.

I was reading a book written for Christian women of unsaved husbands and read part of it to my husband only to get the comment, ‘Is there a book for unsaved husbands of Christian wives?’ Again, the one I so longed to be able to hear my heart, could not. The song ‘Welcome to my World’ by Jim Reeves became another heart song. Especially the words:

‘Welcome to my world, won’t you come on in?
Miracles I guess still happen now and then [if only!]
Knock and the door will open, seek and you will find
Ask and you’ll be given the key to this world of mine
I’ll be waiting here, with my arms unfurled
Waiting just for you, welcome to my world’

Guilt began to creep in. If I was the woman God wanted me to be then surely he would save my husband? I was (and still am) very aware of my shortcomings and weaknesses. How good is good enough? I wondered. If only I had more faith, I reasoned. Little by little, I tried to bring the Gospel to my husband. I left little Bible verses around the house, put on my Christian music, all in the hope that conviction would fall upon him.

God soon put an end to that when one day he clearly spoke to my spirit, ‘Maria, it is your job to love Jerry; it is my job to save him.’ I realised I had to stop playing Holy Spirit and start trusting God with my husband’s salvation. I began to accept that God has a sovereign plan.

At some point, I even wondered if maybe God had wanted me to be single. Had marrying my husband been a mistake back in 1969? Was it not part of God’s will after all? I began to search God’s Word for some guidance and ended up at 1 Corinthians 7:13: ‘If a Christian woman has a husband who isn’t a Christian, and he wants her to stay with him, she must not leave him’ (LB).

God showed me that my husband’s spiritual condition doesn’t change my role except to create a more vital need for obedience to the Bible. As Peter reminds us in 1 Peter 3:1, the unbeliever will be won over by the behaviour, not the words, of his or her believing mate. This was a good reason to move closer to God and to continue to grow and trust in his Word.

One day, during a time of prayer and Bible study, I had a vision. I was half way up a ladder, climbing towards God, reaching up to him. Below me at the bottom of the ladder was my husband and I kept calling to him to come up. I tried to reach for him too, but every time I tried, I lost my reach for God and my foot would slip and loose its grip. My husband was confused and couldn’t understand what I was trying to get him to come and see. I frantically kept pointing to God at the top of the ladder and encouraging my man to climb up with me, until God showed me that I was actually blocking the view standing between God at the top, and my husband at the bottom. God needed me to move aside and keep climbing and trust him to take care of my man to catch up sooner or later.

What is God’s promise?

The first word that I claimed as a personal promise from God early on in my Christian walk came from Acts 16:31: ‘Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved; you and your household.’ I often repeated it to remind God of his promises.

It came as a thunderbolt when one day I stumbled across a reading in Genesis 22 that caught my breath and set me in a spin. Here was Isaac, through whom God’s promise to Abraham would be fulfilled, yet God asked Abraham to put Isaac (the promise) on the altar. It challenged me deeply. Was God asking me to give his promise back to him? Would I, like others, never see his promise fulfilled in my lifetime? I shuddered. But God’s voice broke through the dark fog that had settled on my spirit, ‘Maria would you still love me and follow me if the promise is not for your lifetime?’

I fought with the thought of God being a tight-fisted giver, but I knew I had to surrender my all. ‘Lord, what do you want me to do?’ I asked. As clear as a bell, his reply came, ‘Put my promises and your desires on my altar.’ It was so much harder than words here can express. I even had to go away for a few days. In the quietness of a retreat home, I symbolically built an altar and after long prayers, and with much weeping, the promise was torn from my soul by my own will.

God gave me a deeply moving and personally meaningful word early in my Christian walk, from Isaiah 62: ‘You will be called by a new name … you will be a crown of splendour in the Lord’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will you be called deserted or name your land Desolate. You will be called Hephzibah and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married.’

Spiritual singleness is an ongoing ache for me. I continue to be torn between my husband’s love and the all-encompassing love of my Jesus. Emotions can be raw, and at times, it feels like a raging storm. In those times, I cling to one verse that has also become very precious to me, from Zephaniah 3:17: ‘God will quiet us with his love’ (LB). And I snuggle into my Father’s lap and let the waves wash over me until he calms the raging storm once again.
 
Almost 30 years on, the ache and the longing are still there, but there is also a quiet trust that has settled on my soul, an assurance that God makes no mistakes, that his promises stand true and that he desires my husband’s salvation even more
than I do.

I’d like to end with a word to my husband of 40 and a half years on Valentine’s Day: ‘Thank you for standing with me, believing in me, encouraging me, supporting me, we’ve come a long way and yet …’

There’s been another man that I’ve needed and I’ve loved
But that doesn’t mean I love you less
And he knows he does possess me and he knows he always will 
There’s just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill
… you were the first real love I ever had
And all the things I ever said I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you.

By Maria van Kuyk (from War Cry, 2 July 2011, p12-13)
* Torn Between Two Lovers by Peter Yarrow and Phillip Jarrell